


there were no stars

by PeachyKeener



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: And no one knew, Harley Keener centric, Harley has Depression, M/M, Misunderstandings, Peter and Tony messed up, Self Harm, This is Bad, about their reactions to this, and then everyone knew, but this was mainly a vent fic based on my life lol, its also a vent piece, might do a follow up fic, might make more of this, suicidal thoughts but like. Abstract
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-03 00:02:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19452229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyKeener/pseuds/PeachyKeener
Summary: Certain events lead Harley Keener to a bad panic attack.(This is a vent fic, sorry)





	there were no stars

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for self harm, abstract suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hatred, mentioned not eating, mentioned not sleeping. 
> 
> this is a vent fic i wrote in maybe an hour after writing one line last night. Now im just tired and trying not to die lol

Harley knew it was going to happen. 

How could he not know the inevitable? 

After all- Harley Keener was just a replacement, always. A place holder. He was worthless to everyone unless they needed a space to fill- and he knew this. He knew it was going to happen. He knew it from his first time stepping foot in New York City, and he knew it from his and Peter’s first kiss, and he knew it from the time Tony ruffled his hair and grinned at him. He knew this was going to happen. He just did.   
  
And it wasn’t like Harley hadn’t known he was the ultimate replacement. He’d known since he was seven and his dad left- presumably for another family. A  _ better  _ family. With a better son. He had known since his moms boyfriend had a son, and suddenly he didn’t exist to anyone but Abbie. He had known he was the ultimate replacement for a long long time. Since his first boyfriend. Since the day he was born. 

So he knew this entire thing was going to happen. 

He just hadn’t expected it to hurt this much if he was honest. 

He had thought, since he prepared himself it wouldn’t hurt so much. Since he knew this would happen, it wouldn’t hurt this badly. He figured at most it would just make him cry. He figured that it wouldn’t hurt so badly that all of his bad habits came crawling back to his skin. He figured that it wouldn’t send him spiraling. 

And it was for such a stupid reason. 

Peter had been distant for a few weeks. Every attempt for Harley to talk to him was met with a slightly colder tone than the conversation before, until Harley just stopped trying to talk to him. He got tired of messaging first. And maybe he shouldn’t have given that up that easily- after all, he really did love Peter a lot. They’d been dating for a year, and he adored his boyfriend. And he knew that one day Peter would leave. He just wasn’t expecting Peter to make him hurt this badly. 

He wasn’t expecting Peter leaving to hurt this badly. 

But it did. It did hurt. 

And the worst part is that Peter hadn’t even gotten the guts to break up with him yet. He was just trapping himself with Harley- who still cared so, so, so, so, so much about his boyfriend. The feeling obviously wasn’t mutual. 

With the distancing of Peter came another thing that was just another bullet in Harley’s back- everyone else leaving as well. MJ and Ned, he knew would happen- they loved Peter more than they could ever care about someone as insignificant as Harley. So them avoiding him wasn’t the worst, because he knew it would happen. But he had thought Flash and Betty and Abe and the rest of the AcaDeca team would at least talk to him. He had made those friends on his own after all. But that was naive and stupid if he was honest, because they were all Peter’s friends first. Why should they care about Harley? 

Why should anyone care about Harley? 

Abbie cared about him though and thats what he held onto.

He blinked the tired out of his eyes, pretending as though he got sleep as he hummed into the phone, “Yes Abbie, I have been eating regularly.” 

_ That was a lie.  _

“Good,” Abbie huffed into the phone, “I feel like my last visit to New York I didn’t see you eat anything- you got me worried you know?” 

He rolled his eyes, not that Abbie could see it, “You don’t have to fret over me, oh dear sister. I’m eating fine, I’m sleeping fine, I’m hanging out with my friends, and generally just doing great.” 

_ He was such a lair. _

“I’m glad- tell all of them hi for me!” 

“I will, we’re hanging out right now actually, ha.” 

_ You’ll never hang out with them again, after tonight. Lets be honest with yourself Harley, you were never anything to them and they don’t care about you. They definitely wouldn’t care about your sister- who you’re lying too. _

“Ah shit, I gotta go,” Abbie sighed into the phone, “Call again tomorrow?” 

“You know it.” 

With that, the only person who cared about him in the world was gone. She had a life in Rose Hill. People liked her. Everyone always did. Harley couldn’t remember the last time someone liked him. 

_ No one has ever liked you. _

He was trying hard to ignore the horrible sinking feeling in his gut. He didn’t want to eat so he didn’t. He didn’t want to drink water so he didn’t. He plastered on a smile, and stepped back into the game room, full of friends that wouldn’t talk to him. They all continued talking to each other, unaware that Harley had ever even entered the room again. 

_ You’re invisible. _

And that’s what he was- invisible. Someone to take up space. A replacement for air. 

He blinked back the sting in his eyes. He plopped down on the couch. 

Don’t think about how no one could ever love you. Don’t think about how every person in this room doesn’t want to be friends with you. Don’t think about how your boyfriend doesn’t love you. Don’t think about it, Harley, don’t think about it. You shouldn’t think about it. Don’t-

“Harley?” Betty’s voice broke his thoughts, and it was then that Harley realized the room of his friends had gone quiet. 

His eyes flicked over them- all of them- each one with a plastered look of concern on their face. So fake. So uninterested. He wasn’t worth their time. None of them cared about him. None of them. He blinked away the tears in his eyes, “Uh- yeah?” 

“Are you,” Betty’s eyes were blue, like his sisters, “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah- yeah?” He forced a laugh, and widened his smile, ignoring how the tears betrayed him to them, “I’m always good!” 

“Harley-” 

Oh god. Peter saw him crying- which shouldn’t be so bad. It shouldn’t be so bad to share weakness with his boyfriend, but he couldn’t. Not when Peter was going to leave him any day now because he was  _ useless  _ and  _ worthless  _ and  _ bad _ .

“-baby? Are you listening? Do you want to talk about it?” 

He blinked, eyes shifting away from blank space to his boyfriend. 

Boyfriend.   
  
Peter didn’t love him.

No one loved him. 

And Harley, the coward, ran. 

  
  


Harley was good at running. 

Harley ran from bullies back in Rose Hill like a pro- he was very good at dodging hands and people and things. But that wasn’t necessary, because no one in their right mind ever thought about using the stairs in Stark Tower. But Harley wasn’t in his right mind as he bolted through the floor, to the stairs and up. Up. Up. Up. 

He couldn’t breath. He really couldn’t. He used to think that horrible choking feeling that he got was just anxiety, but this was worth. Harley couldn’t breath through his tears, and he couldn’t stop running so he couldn’t catch his breath. 

He fell, his knee and face hitting the edge of the stairs hard, but Harley just picked himself up and kept running up. His cheek was warm, probably coated in his own blood if the stinging was anything to go by. His knees were buckling. He couldn’t breath. 

His mind was racing faster than his legs could carry him- everything that had led to this moment. 

_ Tony laughed onto the phone, not noticing Harley slipping into the room to place down paper from Pepper, “No, I don’t have any sons- well I have a Peter, and he’s practically my kid- nah, no one else really.” _

_ Harley slipped out of the room with a numb feeling. _

Harley hit the stairs again, but picked himself up. He couldn’t breath, but he was almost at the top, almost at air. 

_ “I don’t know MJ,” Peter said into the phone, unaware of Harley outside his door, “I just don’t think its going to work.”  _

_ Harley decided not to knock, when he knew the conversation was about himself.  _

Harley threw the door open to the roof, and for the first time in a long time he just aloud himself to stop and scream. 

On the roof of Stark tower, Harley Tyler Keener sobbed and screamed and yelled. He bit at his arms, hard enough to bleed, and pulled out his hair, and panicked. He panicked. He leaned against the brick of the entrance to the roof and slammed his head back- he couldn’t breath and he couldn’t think and he couldn’t breath. 

His sleeves rolled up and Harley hated how burnt his arms were- all the welding torches he used when he needed some extra feelings in his veins suddenly seemed so damn fucking worthless. Worthless like he was. And his arms were scared. He was scared. Everything he did wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough. 

He glanced to the sky. 

He hated New York, sometimes, because there were no stars. 

There were clouds, but there were no stars. 

Harley didn't noticed getting yanked back from the edge of the roof. He hadn't even noticed he was on the edge of the roof. Harley didn’t notice the arms around him, rocking him back in forth, whispering sweet nothings. Harley didn’t notice how Peter cried into his shoulder as Harley just stared at the starless sky. He didn’t notice when the paramedics came. He didn’t notice when Tony rushed into the ambulance screaming that he was Harley’s guardian. He didn’t notice. 

The doctors didn’t tell him for how long he was unresponsive

His cheek- the one he hit when he fell, needed stitches. Several of the burns on his arms had gotten infected because he wasn’t taking care of them. The bite marks covering his wrists were badly bruising. His knees were thoroughly fucked up, and when they finally got his clothes off to examine them, they found a cacophony of cuts on his upper thighs. He didn’t even remember making those. 

The entire time, he was completely unresponsive. He felt as though he was watching a montage in a movie, the one at the middle of every coming of age movie where the protagonist is spiraling and its intercut with flashes of regular life. He didn’t know what had happened. 

When he came too, they told him he was describing an extreme from of dissociation. They still didn’t tell him for how long he was unresponsive. 

He stared at the wall away from the door. 

“Harley?” 

“Hey, Pepper.”

“I just sent Tony and Peter out of here,” Her heels clacked at the floor and the chair next to his bed scrapped against the floor, “They’ve been here with no sleep since you got here.” 

Harley blinked, turning to face Pepper’s soft sad face, “What?”

“Yeah,” She reached towards his hand, holding it, as if proof he was alive, “The last three days.” 

“So its been three days?”

“It took you a long time to come down from the panic.” 

“I gathered that.”

“Your sister has been calling nonstop, and wanted to come up,” Pepper’s lips pursed, as if she was a worried mom, “Your mother told her she could after the school week let up. She’s coming up tomorrow.” 

Harley missed three days of school. He tired not to let that sting him, “I know she’ll be here when she can. Abbie is my little sister- she loves me.” 

“So do I,” Pepper’s perfectly manicured nails where rubbing soothing circles over his knuckles, “I want you to know that. I love you. You’re like the son I’ve always wanted but can never have, Harley, and I adore you. I know that I’m too busy a lot of the time to show you that, but I love you Harley.” 

“Oh,” He felt his eyes sting, “Are you sure?” 

“You’re my kid, Harley Tyler Keener.” 

“Thank you.” 

“But I need to know, Harley,” Her voice was quiet and comforting and a little stern. Harley met her eyes, and was surprised to find tears in there, and her hands traced the edges of the bruises from the bite marks, “Why did you do this?”

“I don’t know-”

“Yes you do. I know how you work, Harley. Tell me whats going through your head. Tell me why.” 

_ Because I’m worthless. Because I’m replaceable. Because only two people in my life love me. Because my mother won’t let my baby sister see me in the hospital. Because I don't know if anyone went after me. Because all my friends would rather talk to each other than include me in a conversation. Because Peter has been slowly not talking to me. Because I always viewed Tony as a father but he never viewed me as a son. Because I’m replaceable. Because I’m worthless.  _

And he told her. The more he thought, the more he told her. He didn’t realize how numb and desensitized his voice was. Or how Pepper slowly began to cry as Harley listed off everything he hated about himself. His own face was blank, lax. He was reading the words off like they were tattooed in his brain. Like his own flaws were tattooed into his mind. He told her about Peter, and Tony, and MJ, and his mom. 

By the time he was done, he couldn’t look her in the eye. 

How could anyone love him? 

“Those idiots,” Pepper was cursing under her breath, as she reached to hug Harley too her, “They’re so fucking stupid, and I’m so sorry.” 

“What?” 

“Peter loves you Harley,” Pepper assured, “Tony does too. I know that me saying it won’t fix anything, but given that the two events that triggered this episode had direct relations to them, I need you to know that they both love you.” 

Harley stayed silent.

“Someone found out Peter was Spider-Man and has been threatening your safety.” 

Oh.  _ Oh.  _

“That still doesn't explain-” 

“The two of them have been trying to bait the guy and get you out of danger at the same time,” Pepper huffed angrily, “I thought they told you. But apparently not because they’re idiots and I swear I will kill them. Both of them for this shit. What they did is so unfair to you.” 

“That doesn’t explain my friends-"

“-They were in on the ploy,” Pepper shook her head, “Of course they thought it had something more to do with Tony being a billionaire and you being threatened as his ward or whatever. I just thought you knew.” 

“I didn’t.” 

“I gather that.” 

“He was still going to leave me anyway.” 

“No, baby, he wasn’t.” 

“I’m tired.” 

“I know,” Pepper pushed up his bangs and kissed his forehead, “You should sleep. I’m going to go call Abbie and then I’m going to yell at two very very very dumb boys.”

“You don’t have too-” 

“They hurt my son. Yes I have too.”   
  


The next few weeks were spent in the hospital- they thought he’d hurt himself. They weren’t wrong, but it still sucked. Pepper had arranged it so that Peter and Tony could only come in when she and Abbie where there; efficiently limiting the times that they could to the weekends, because Harley’s mom wouldn’t let Abbie stay for the weeks. Harley requested that his midtown friends not be aloud to stay. 

Shuri came down to visit him a lot. 

He found it surprising the second he woke up to, “Gee white boy, you’ve gone and broken yourself, yeah?” But soon found that Shuri- out of everyone else in his life- was the one who was his closest friend. Because she had four PhDs, she didn’t need to go to highschool, and spent most of her days in New York trying to get Harley to smile and laugh. 

She succeeded a lot. 

The two of them talked a lot, and it was through her he realized just how much he could have in a friend. Of course he was pretty sure he was finally experiencing an up now that he was getting medicated for Depression and Anxiety, but having Shuri around helped. The week before he was discharged, she told him that she’d be going to midtown- try to survey the life of an average not smart teenager who didn’t have four PhDs. 

Deep deep deep down, they both knew that it was because she didn’t want to leave Harley alone. 

But Shuri had a habit of being extra protective of him, and whatever friendship she had with Peter was replaced with stink eyes and untrusting looks. Of course, Harley still loved his boyfriend- it had just been… hard, recently. 

Peter texted him whenever he could, since Pepper had put limitations on when he could visit. They called every night. Peter did everything he could to prove that he loved Harley- including breaking into the hospital as Spider-Man to hold his boyfriend. 

The reassurance was nice but… 

Some days he felt like everyone just wanted this to go away. That since now everyone was assuring him that they loved him, he must be fine. 

He wasn’t fine. This wasn’t a one time thing. Harley was depressed and anxious and suicidal. This wouldn’t just go away just because he had the love and support of the people around him. The medications help, but it didn’t fix him. The therapies help, but it wouldn’t fix him. 

His arms still had burn scars- and now just because he wore the letterman Peter got from AcaDeca over it, didn’t mean his arms didn’t have scars. Didn’t mean he wasn’t still broken on so many levels that it would take time to heal. 

They still hadn’t found the person who had been threatening his life.

But they had taken a new response to it, by making sure that Peter was always with Harley.

Harley was kind of okay with that.

He was trying to heal. And it would be a long long time til he did. But he was trying too, and really, he thought thats all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry, lol
> 
> comment if you want


End file.
